By George M. Gilmer, Esq. – Brooklyn, NY Custody Lawyer
As a New York family law attorney, I have represented countless families navigating the painful process of divorce and custody disputes. One of the most difficult but essential aspects of this work is understanding the emotional and psychological toll that separation and conflict can have on children. Whether you’re a parent seeking custody or a concerned caregiver fighting for a child’s well-being, it’s important to know how developmental stages shape a child’s response to family dissolution—and how the court may view their needs through the lens of mental and emotional health.
In this blog, I explore the psychological effects of divorce and custody battles on children at every stage of development, drawing on the latest research and clinical observations. This information is crucial for anyone involved in a custody dispute in New York Family Court—and particularly for those seeking to work with a qualified custody and family law attorney who understands the unique vulnerabilities of children in these cases.
The Developmental Impact of Divorce: Age Matters
Infants (0–18 months): The Most Vulnerable Stage
Infants experience the highest rates of brain development in the first year and a half of life, with more than 40,000 synapses forming every second. During this critical window, emotional availability from a caregiver is vital to the infant’s ability to regulate stress, develop secure attachments, and form a healthy self-image.
In high-conflict custody disputes, a parent’s depression, anxiety, or emotional withdrawal can severely impair an infant’s neurodevelopment. Even seemingly minor disruptions—like inconsistent overnights or emotionally detached handoffs—can lead to long-term issues with stress regulation, cognitive delay, and attachment disorders. As a Brooklyn custody lawyer, I routinely emphasize to the court the need for emotional stability and predictability in the infant’s caregiving environment.
Toddlers and Preschoolers (18 months–4 years): Struggling for Control
As toddlers begin asserting independence, they also require constant emotional support. During divorce proceedings, the parent may be too emotionally overwhelmed to properly reinforce the child’s autonomy or self-worth. This can result in behavioral regression (e.g., bedwetting, clinginess), poor language development, and anxiety.
Preschoolers engage in imaginative play and “magical thinking”—believing, for example, that a parent left because of something they did. This self-blame is a common red flag that family law attorneys in New York must look out for. It’s also a critical reason why parenting schedules and transitions must be handled with care. A predictable routine and emotional reassurance are essential at this age.
Elementary School Children (5–10 years): Black-and-White Thinking
This stage marks the child’s growing awareness of right and wrong and their emerging ability to reflect on relationships. Unfortunately, it also makes them especially susceptible to guilt, self-blame, and low self-esteem when exposed to parental conflict.
Children in this age group often believe they caused the divorce, particularly if arguments between parents are about custody or discipline. They may withdraw from peers, experience academic setbacks, or show signs of anxiety and depression. A skilled Brooklyn, New York custody lawyer must ensure that parenting plans prioritize consistency, positive reinforcement, and ongoing access to both parents when appropriate.
It is also during this period that loyalty conflicts can arise, especially when children are caught in the crossfire of contentious litigation. These children may begin to reject one parent, not because of actual harm, but because they have absorbed one-sided narratives—another reason why we advise clients not to disparage the other parent in front of their child.
Tweens (10–12 years): Identity and Peer Influence
By the tween years, children shift their focus from parental approval to peer validation. Divorce can disrupt that transition. Children in this age group may start to isolate themselves, take on caregiver roles for younger siblings, or even for a struggling parent.
From the perspective of a family law attorney, this age is particularly delicate: a child may form an alliance with one parent due to stress, favoritism, or misunderstanding. These “angry alliances” can lead to estrangement from the other parent. Proper legal representation should involve exploring not just the child’s stated preference, but the psychological underpinnings of that preference.
Teenagers (13–18 years): The Risk of Alienation
Teenagers are seeking independence, forming their identities, and navigating social relationships. Divorce during adolescence can trigger depression, impulsivity, academic decline, and even substance abuse—especially when the teenager is exposed to high parental conflict or used as a go-between.
In high-conflict custody cases, we often see teens who have “chosen sides.” However, New York Family Court does not make custody decisions solely based on a teenager’s preference—particularly if there are signs of undue influence. As an experienced family law attorney, I help courts distinguish between a child’s reasoned preference and one born out of alienation, coercion, or fear.
The Role of the Attorney for the Child (AFC)
In custody matters, the court may appoint an Attorney for the Child (AFC) to represent the child’s wishes or best interests. While the AFC is not a therapist, they must understand child psychology, developmental risks, and the influence of parental conflict on the child’s presentation.
AFCs must also recognize when a child’s statements reflect scripting or coaching by a parent.
Legal Strategy: Custody Evaluations and Expert Testimony
In high-stakes custody and family law cases in New York, forensic custody evaluations often play a pivotal role. These evaluations examine parenting capacity, psychological fitness, and the fit between each parent and child. A good evaluation includes interviews, home observations, and sometimes psychological testing.
However, evaluations must be interpreted carefully. A report that rigidly favors one parent due to a snapshot in time can misrepresent the child’s long-term needs. At The Gilmer Law Firm, PLLC, we challenge biased evaluations and work with trusted mental health experts to provide the court with a fuller understanding of each parent’s ability to meet the child’s evolving needs.
Why Local Knowledge Matters
New York Family Court, approaches custody cases with an emphasis on the child’s best interest—but what that means in practice depends heavily on the facts and the attorney’s advocacy. Our firm is deeply familiar with the local judges, evaluators, and ACS protocols that impact the outcome of these cases.
When you work with a New York custody lawyer who understands both the legal and developmental dimensions of child advocacy, you give your child the best chance at a stable, healthy future.
Final Thoughts: A Child-Focused Approach to Custody
Custody litigation isn’t just a legal battle—it’s a fight for your child’s emotional stability, mental health, and long-term development. By understanding the psychological risks that divorce poses at every age, you can make informed decisions about parenting plans, therapy, school involvement, and more.
At The Gilmer Law Firm, PLLC, we provide compassionate, strategic, and developmentally informed representation in custody, visitation, and family law cases. If you’re facing a divorce or custody battle in Brooklyn, or any other part of the five boroughs contact us today for a consultation with an experienced Brooklyn family law attorney.
George M. Gilmer, Esq.
Brooklyn Custody and Family Law Attorney
The Gilmer Law Firm, PLLC
Serving Families in Brooklyn, NY and Beyond
